By Agisnail Crispy of Heritage Hill

This happens every year, and every year before the snow falls, I forget the trouble it causes. It’s… well, funny isn’t the right word… Maybe brain rot from all the TikTok I’ve been watching? Either way, the streets are full of plain idiot drivers who forgot (or (reasonably) couldn’t afford) to install their winter tires, and I hate them all.

On the S-curve yesterday, a truck full of gravel and God-knows-what-else bullshit hit the concrete wall on the I-96 East Ramp onto 131 South, and now my Uber drivers from Chicago are late every time I want a beer at Eastern Hall!

Understand that I do not drive, and I especially cannot drive a semi-truck, but each time I am forced from my dwelling, I fear being hit by millions of Lime scooters in the summer, and thousands of stupids that infect this Earth all fuckin’ year long!

Every day, I risk being absolutely clobbered to bits by oncoming traffic, and now there’s ice on the road??? It’s enough to have to deal with generally reckless West Michigan drivers without snow. But they’re texting, eating, applying republican makeup, video chatting, smoking a blunt, and drinking billionaire-owned shit coffee, all while driving. And now, more people than ever, during the busiest time of the year, will be redirected through downtown Grand Rapids because of winter conditions and bat-shit-idiotic road design that the city doesn’t plan to fix. So be careful when you drive, please. Or just take the bus. It’s cheaper than a car.

Anyway, fuck this shit y’all. Agisnail Crispy out. WEST SIIIIIDEEE!!!

By Big Ol’ Betsy DeBase

Ladies and genital men, Pigman won the annual Weeny Suck Off!!! It’s been a long time since someone deserving has won the annual Weeny Suck Off in Byron Center, Michigan, but this humanoid went above and beyond gobblin’ up those wieners. Franks were served high, and the competition was fierce between all the humanoids and alcoholic dads of Byron Center.

“At first, I didn’t think he would win,” said former undeserving champion and alcoholic father, Willy Goulper, “I just always figured I was the best sausage sallower out there, but I suppose I have competition for some years to come.”

It’s only been a few hours since Pigman has won the Weeny Suck Off, but the protests have already begun. Critics pointed out to me, Big Ol’ Betsy BeDase, that Pigman is a murderer. The GR Chronic tried to back up those critics claims, but it appears that all record of the trials were destroyed along with what used to be democracy back in January of this year.

There’s no telling (on the record) if Pigman is actually a murderer, but there is allegedly video evidence of him shooting someone in the back of their head while holding them to the ground. There’s no court record of that, so who’s to say. We do, however, have it ON RECORD that Pigman has won the annual Weeny Suck Off!! I’d say that’s what really matters here, anyway. It’s always important to know who the best wiener sucker in town is, and it appears to be Mr. Pigman!!!

This has been Big Ol’ Bitch Betsy DeBoss reporting reluctantly with The GR Chronic.

By Guest Writer Margery Taylor Cream

Over Reeds Lake this past weekend, a rich white lady was taking a stroll by the water with her iPad babies when she noticed a frightful sight. It appeared to be a fully naked alien in the water with a UAP (unidentified Ariel phenomenon) hovering behind. The rich white lady was so shocked that she dropped her Starbucks Stanley bottle and ran away screaming.

The following morning, GRPD reported finding the Stanley along with 3 children, all belonging to the rich white lady from East Grand Rapids. The GR Chronic did find the woman, but she convinced me with money to not reveal her name. Luckily, I lack both journalistic and regular integrity, so I’m happy to report that her name was Jessica Vanoughsen.

Vanoughsen was given a fine for littering in the park, and, as far as I could tell while peering through her windows, her kids seem to be unphased by the debacle. Probably due to their iPads.

The alien turned out to be a humanoid, but scientists don’t think that matters. Apparently, humans are like… super fucked up. Anyway, this has been Margery Taylor Cream, at The GR Chronic.

By The Guardian of East Town

This may come as a shock to some, but Grand Rapids has an issue that no one is talking about. There are masses of Slavs dressed in Adidas Originals track suits squatting at my house. Other people have been affected, I think, and I’m kinda done, ya know?

It all started back in May when I allowed these pictured Slavs into my house. Before I knew it, they were squatting! I don’t even think it took them a day to make themselves right at home and squat all while my wife and 17 children watched in horror. To be honest, I’m sick of their bull, and I want them OUT!

I’ve tried everything. From telling them I needed to get up early, to tidying up while they were in the room. I even tried yawning! A lot! Nothing seemed to work. They just kept saying, “Comrade,” and waving at me to join them. I know the title says I know what to do, but I don’t! Please help! Holler for the Guardian of East Town when you figure out how to get these damn squatters out of my house!!

By Staff Writer Slim Jimmy from Sparta

August 1st, 2025, Muskegon, MI – Local Legend, Slippery Steve tricked a merman onto a rock near the shoreline in Muskegon last week. We here at GR Chronic were stoked to hear that he was able to snap this groovy photograph. It’s still unconfirmed if the merman survived, but either way, it sparked conversation within the community. And, in some cases, controversy.

“Slippery Steve is a lying slut!” exclaimed a local resident who asked to remain anonymous. That resident, Wet Jonny, went on to state that Mr Slippery was caught pulling a fast one at The Bob. Wet Jonny said, “Sure, The Bob sucks, but like,” the anonymous resident (Wet Jonny) paused and then said, “I don’t know, I was gonna say stealing is bad, but fuck capitalism, honestly.”

No matter your opinion on Slippery Steve, we here at The GR Chronic are proud to be the first ever to report factual evidence that mermaids (or at least mermen) are real.

This is Staff Writer, Slim Jimmy from Sparta, signing off.

Demon Spotted on Private Property

By Barb Vanoughakkerberbleninjersmitsendenbeisser

The GR Chronic met with local resident, Paul Schmall, about a terrifying encounter in his backyard in Walker last Sunday night. According to the trailcam recording, the demon was rippin around on Schmall’s 4-wheeler without permission shouting out “Hi Sweetie!” and attempting to kiss bats that seemed to be attempting to kiss the demon back with their lil bat lips.

“I am a God fearing man,” Mr. Schmall told Vanoughakkerberbleninjersmitsendenbeisser, “seeing a demon being so nice to small creatures confused me, and I’m not ready to question my beliefs.” Paul Schmall unalived himself two nights later, stating in a letter to his grieving family that this questioning is what did him in.

Dear Family,

Seeing the demon made me question my humanity and beliefs. He was just being so damn nice to those  cute little bats! I voted for Trump 3 times and fought for my right to end abortions by killing all those liberal scum preventing me from questioning congress on January 6! The last thing I needed after being pardoned was questioning my beliefs. If a demon can be nice, what does that tell you about liberals???? Save me, White Jesus!

Marsha, I’m sorry. I love you.

Your pookie bear,

Paul Schmall

It would be sad news about Paul, but when The GR Chronic talked to Marsha Schmall, she seemed fine.

The demon hadn’t left the property since Paul’s trail cam first saw it, but Marsha said he’s plenty good company. When we pressed about her recently passed husband, she shrugged and said, “I was never pleased with our marriage. This whole situation makes my life easier, actually.” Surprising answer, but Paul was a square. Investigators still haven’t ruled out demonic possession or lesbianism, so only time will tell if Marsha is going to remain unphased by the death of her late husband.

This is Barb Vanoughakkerberbleninjersmitsendenbeisser, reporting from The GR Chronic Headquarters.