By Agisnail Crispy of Heritage Hill

This happens every year, and every year before the snow falls, I forget the trouble it causes. It’s… well, funny isn’t the right word… Maybe brain rot from all the TikTok I’ve been watching? Either way, the streets are full of plain idiot drivers who forgot (or (reasonably) couldn’t afford) to install their winter tires, and I hate them all.

On the S-curve yesterday, a truck full of gravel and God-knows-what-else bullshit hit the concrete wall on the I-96 East Ramp onto 131 South, and now my Uber drivers from Chicago are late every time I want a beer at Eastern Hall!

Understand that I do not drive, and I especially cannot drive a semi-truck, but each time I am forced from my dwelling, I fear being hit by millions of Lime scooters in the summer, and thousands of stupids that infect this Earth all fuckin’ year long!

Every day, I risk being absolutely clobbered to bits by oncoming traffic, and now there’s ice on the road??? It’s enough to have to deal with generally reckless West Michigan drivers without snow. But they’re texting, eating, applying republican makeup, video chatting, smoking a blunt, and drinking billionaire-owned shit coffee, all while driving. And now, more people than ever, during the busiest time of the year, will be redirected through downtown Grand Rapids because of winter conditions and bat-shit-idiotic road design that the city doesn’t plan to fix. So be careful when you drive, please. Or just take the bus. It’s cheaper than a car.

Anyway, fuck this shit y’all. Agisnail Crispy out. WEST SIIIIIDEEE!!!