By Big Ol’ Betsy DeBase

Ladies and genital men, Pigman won the annual Weeny Suck Off!!! It’s been a long time since someone deserving has won the annual Weeny Suck Off in Byron Center, Michigan, but this humanoid went above and beyond gobblin’ up those wieners. Franks were served high, and the competition was fierce between all the humanoids and alcoholic dads of Byron Center.

“At first, I didn’t think he would win,” said former undeserving champion and alcoholic father, Willy Goulper, “I just always figured I was the best sausage sallower out there, but I suppose I have competition for some years to come.”

It’s only been a few hours since Pigman has won the Weeny Suck Off, but the protests have already begun. Critics pointed out to me, Big Ol’ Betsy BeDase, that Pigman is a murderer. The GR Chronic tried to back up those critics claims, but it appears that all record of the trials were destroyed along with what used to be democracy back in January of this year.

There’s no telling (on the record) if Pigman is actually a murderer, but there is allegedly video evidence of him shooting someone in the back of their head while holding them to the ground. There’s no court record of that, so who’s to say. We do, however, have it ON RECORD that Pigman has won the annual Weeny Suck Off!! I’d say that’s what really matters here, anyway. It’s always important to know who the best wiener sucker in town is, and it appears to be Mr. Pigman!!!

This has been Big Ol’ Bitch Betsy DeBoss reporting reluctantly with The GR Chronic.