By Guest Writer Margery Taylor Cream

Over Reeds Lake this past weekend, a rich white lady was taking a stroll by the water with her iPad babies when she noticed a frightful sight. It appeared to be a fully naked alien in the water with a UAP (unidentified Ariel phenomenon) hovering behind. The rich white lady was so shocked that she dropped her Starbucks Stanley bottle and ran away screaming.

The following morning, GRPD reported finding the Stanley along with 3 children, all belonging to the rich white lady from East Grand Rapids. The GR Chronic did find the woman, but she convinced me with money to not reveal her name. Luckily, I lack both journalistic and regular integrity, so I’m happy to report that her name was Jessica Vanoughsen.

Vanoughsen was given a fine for littering in the park, and, as far as I could tell while peering through her windows, her kids seem to be unphased by the debacle. Probably due to their iPads.

The alien turned out to be a humanoid, but scientists don’t think that matters. Apparently, humans are like… super fucked up. Anyway, this has been Margery Taylor Cream, at The GR Chronic.