By The Guardian of East Town

This may come as a shock to some, but Grand Rapids has an issue that no one is talking about. There are masses of Slavs dressed in Adidas Originals track suits squatting at my house. Other people have been affected, I think, and I’m kinda done, ya know?

It all started back in May when I allowed these pictured Slavs into my house. Before I knew it, they were squatting! I don’t even think it took them a day to make themselves right at home and squat all while my wife and 17 children watched in horror. To be honest, I’m sick of their bull, and I want them OUT!

I’ve tried everything. From telling them I needed to get up early, to tidying up while they were in the room. I even tried yawning! A lot! Nothing seemed to work. They just kept saying, “Comrade,” and waving at me to join them. I know the title says I know what to do, but I don’t! Please help! Holler for the Guardian of East Town when you figure out how to get these damn squatters out of my house!!