Demon Spotted on Private Property

By Barb Vanoughakkerberbleninjersmitsendenbeisser

The GR Chronic met with local resident, Paul Schmall, about a terrifying encounter in his backyard in Walker last Sunday night. According to the trailcam recording, the demon was rippin around on Schmall’s 4-wheeler without permission shouting out “Hi Sweetie!” and attempting to kiss bats that seemed to be attempting to kiss the demon back with their lil bat lips.

“I am a God fearing man,” Mr. Schmall told Vanoughakkerberbleninjersmitsendenbeisser, “seeing a demon being so nice to small creatures confused me, and I’m not ready to question my beliefs.” Paul Schmall unalived himself two nights later, stating in a letter to his grieving family that this questioning is what did him in.

Dear Family,

Seeing the demon made me question my humanity and beliefs. He was just being so damn nice to those  cute little bats! I voted for Trump 3 times and fought for my right to end abortions by killing all those liberal scum preventing me from questioning congress on January 6! The last thing I needed after being pardoned was questioning my beliefs. If a demon can be nice, what does that tell you about liberals???? Save me, White Jesus!

Marsha, I’m sorry. I love you.

Your pookie bear,

Paul Schmall

It would be sad news about Paul, but when The GR Chronic talked to Marsha Schmall, she seemed fine.

The demon hadn’t left the property since Paul’s trail cam first saw it, but Marsha said he’s plenty good company. When we pressed about her recently passed husband, she shrugged and said, “I was never pleased with our marriage. This whole situation makes my life easier, actually.” Surprising answer, but Paul was a square. Investigators still haven’t ruled out demonic possession or lesbianism, so only time will tell if Marsha is going to remain unphased by the death of her late husband.

This is Barb Vanoughakkerberbleninjersmitsendenbeisser, reporting from The GR Chronic Headquarters.